The shape I'm in

Okay, humility and honesty time. (or can we say, hormones? hehe)

I heard a song on the radio yesterday, and felt like pieces of it really defined where I'm at right now, aside from the fact that the whole thing was about a guy losing his girlfriend(which most country songs are about, haha). Here are some different lines that felt like me right now.

I'm getting better, at barely getting by

and I'm doing alright, for the shape I'm in

Part of why I haven't been blogging or on facebook much is that I'm mostly just doing what I can to hang in here. I know and have talked to a couple people and read some articles about the emotional ups and downs that can come after having a baby, and it's not to say that I'm not still a happy person and totally in love with my new little girl, I am - but everything else is a little overwhelming at times. And not feeling like sunshine-and-rainbows myself, I know nobody probably wants to hear about it and I don't really have anything to give.
So that's probably why I've disappeared.

After looking at my situation though, and talking to some people I love, I realize why I am this way. I remind myself it's no wonder I feel like this, and it's not because I am just not good enough. I'm isolated, with nowhere I need to go, and I did just have a baby. I don't exercise, and I don't eat very well at all(yesterday all I had to eat before 5:00 was 2 banana muffins and 3 bite-sized crunch bars). And working on my computer at home while caring for my kids, I practically never get out of the house, and am not really involved in - anything, really, that makes me feel like I'm growing or learning or a successful, worthwhile person. I push people away. And when my husband is gone so much, and involved in so many different things that I am proud of and doing my best to support, it is just a doormat-feeling place to be.

So, what difference does it make if I excercise or not, if I eat crap or healthy, or if I wear pajamas or cute clothes? These things are all at the bottom of a very long list, especially when I have nowhere to go, and nobody to see me.

But, I get up every morning and do get dressed. I talk to my mom, my sisters, and visiting teacher. I brought dinner to a friend. I am working hard to communicate with my husband. I play the piano, and I walk the dogs. I'm here, blogging. I started sewing again, and I painted a new halloween decoration. I kiss on my baby, and I draw with Kyler. I haven't resorted to drinking caffeine again. I take hot baths when I feel like I need them, and I listen to good music. I may not cook often, but I do dishes. I still hope that tomorrow will be a better day, and I will be a better me, and I'm trying to pray much more often.

So I'm doing alright, for the shape I'm in.