Just Peachy ;)

Okay, so this post isn't really about the "Joy" of our life right now... just about how exhausted I am! You may not want to read my complaining, and I won't blame you if you want to skip this one - so sorry everybody!

Well, it's been a few days of awful now, so it's time to be honest and let go of some of it. I hate admitting that I am not doing so good to anybody but Josh.... it just makes me feel worse to admit it because nobody likes complainers and I feel guilty for not feeling better.

Everyone asks how I'm doing, and I love the support and the kind thoughts and feel special for being thought of - but I'm sure you don't really want to know! So I usually say I'm hanging in there -but this is the reality. I'm grumpy, and tired, and exhausted, and did I say tired? I haven't actually slept for more than a few hours at a time in I don't know how long. How can I be sooooo bone-deep exhausted, but just not be able to sleep?!?! And lack of sleep sort of puts tinted glasses on you, making everything seem more negative I think. I guess I just really underestimated this part of pregnancy. I'm pretty sure my hip & lower back are completely out of place too, so simply moving around isn't the easiest thing, which gets frustrating.

So, with a short supply of sleep, my patience has run thin. Kyler is going through a "smacking-mom-and-dad-for-no-reason" stage, which I feel like I've tried everything to fix and just don't understand. This came along with a "dump-out-every-toy-he-owns-on-the-floor-at-the-same-time" phase. Other than that, he's cute and loving and says "sorry" and is my reason for smiling most days. There's so many different things that I love about him, I have some anxiety trying to imagine loving a little baby as much as I do Kyler. I try to have faith that that same strong feeling & connection will be there when I hold this little one too, and somewhere inside I guess I do know it will be - and then I beat myself up and feel like a bad mom already for having any doubts about that.

The mental game of knowing I'm going to deliver soon is creating some anxious nerves. All I can think is "I just want to have this baby!" (and I am like the least patient person I know!) Remembering my delivery with Kyler, I was soooo exhausted by the end that I was literally sleeping in between pushing, and unfortunately I feel like that's probably going to happen again. I actually really loved every minute of labor & delivery, so as much as I want to just skip to that part now, I don't want that part to be over so soon either... so I feel guilty for wishing any part of this time I have left to just get over with.

The baby has been getting the hiccups, which are so cute and adorable! And I can definitely feel a 15lb lead bowling ball sitting right between my legs all the time. I told my Dr. that I feel like the baby's head is just going to fall out one of these days, and he laughed and said that pretty much every woman says that about now.

I think I just need a distraction... or sleep would be nice, haha right ;) My sis Camille will be here in 6 days, and that can't come soon enough! Josh gave me a wonderful blessing on Sunday after a long talk, and it was definitely something to remember. It said how the baby is enjoying these last few moments with loved ones up in Heaven right now receiving important instruction and love, and how they will be so terribly missed by those loved ones up there while he/she is down here on Earth. It made me feel so wonderful, and like what a very special little spirit this baby must be, and brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it now. And helped me feel like I will love this baby so so much.

Okay.... now that I got all of that out, and I don't feel like I'm putting a smile on or just avoiding the inquiries anymore, I will move on! I will be grateful for my quiet-but-loving-and-supportive husband, I will try to think about that awesome blessing every day, and focus on the positive. I will throw some Bengay on the places I can reach(hehe), and lay down more often, even if I don't sleep, with a million pillows. And I will try to do one enjoyable thing every day, or at least write down or share something positive. And when I get down, I guess I'll try showering - that almost always makes me feel better, hehe.

Thanks ;) I needed that.